they should invent a hydrating liquor
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor