Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.