they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
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time machine? you mean a clock?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
What’s so funny?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach