NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣