*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work![]()
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
tourist season
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.