*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office