(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
![]()
![]()
![]()
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses