(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.