*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*