My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.