date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Kermit goes Blue.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash