I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Challenge accepted.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Dune (2021)
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.