If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I think they could have phrased this better
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*