Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!