Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You Might Also Like
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.