The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Weighing up my bread heating options
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him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Happy weekend !
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.