A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
You Might Also Like
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore