I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
man i love columbo
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”