I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
is nasa ok
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings