Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?