I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it