<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.