I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I laughed at this way too hard.