Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus