Stop being racist to kettles.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Spider-cat: No One Home
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December