@Gorrdano

Stop being racist to kettles.

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@_tomcashman

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@SamGrittner

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@Death_Buddy

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@caithuls

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

@samalmightysam

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

@BoomBoomBetty

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?