This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Dear Lord..
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?