The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You Might Also Like
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.