@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

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@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

@DaddyJew

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@goodhairperson

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

@PleaseBeGneiss

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

@BareChesty

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning