This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Lol.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.