@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

@Kauaibride

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

@AllanForsyth

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

@Dakota_Conduct

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

@bjaynash

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

@BuckyIsotope

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

@ojedge

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

@noog

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?