I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.