Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then