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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock