Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*


Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III


14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?



14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.


“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!


[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.


My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates


I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.