Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
You Might Also Like
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Saturday
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…