Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge