I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.