Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Important reminders
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Sunday
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
oh my god
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one