I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!