My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: