I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Ape together strong
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*