Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
You Might Also Like
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”