What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.