Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
You Might Also Like
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My god she’s good.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Generation gap…
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!