A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I beg your pardon?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Eggs are just drums you can only play once