[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
What my back needs
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!