@kyry5

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

You Might Also Like

@CulturedRuffian

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

@SardonicTart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@dril

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

@DavidKlein5

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

@traciebreaux

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

@PanettaSexyTime

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games