My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup