Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You Might Also Like
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
sigh
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
This checks out
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
termite twitter scares me
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.