If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”