Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

your honor my client chooses dare

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.