In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
You Might Also Like
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]