Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?