*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes