Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Shower sex be like:
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts