@labyrinthpretty

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

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@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

@my_minivan_life

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

@glum_and_fun

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

@JediGigi

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@eleniZarro

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

@2tickytacky

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.