@labyrinthpretty

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

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@SteevUmc

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

@naazihah

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@DianeP89

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.