Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.