You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!