I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
You Might Also Like
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
i baked you a cake
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT